Thursday, March 6, 2008

I Swear not to Swear Again

I generally have some trouble using the four letter word. Sometimes, when I am stretched to breaking point, it's the only thing that gives me relief.
Like on the morning of my History exam-
I see my friend Basab walk upto me. I see her ashen face, her haunted eyes, and my heart goes out to her. It is a beautiful moment, bound as we are by our mutual distress. "Anushka...." she says. Rarely has a word sounded more like a sigh than it does then. "Fuck", she says. "FuckER", I say. I hope she hasn't misunderstood me. Does she think I just called her a fucker? "FuckEST" she says. Aah...I was underestimating her.

'But you typed that word out a million types within this blogpost', you say. 'Little hypocrite', is what you think to yourself. Well, 'presumptious arse' is my reply. Because, in case you didn't realise it, right now, I am stretched to breaking point.

I had settled down into one of those satisfying states of physical inactivity where your brain is on random-mode overdrive. The melody of the song you were listening to, is washing over you. You're typing out each thought that flits through your head, and if the compilation of those thoughts achieve that perfect balance between suffocatingly clever and just pointless, you could turn it into a blogpost. There was this hum of contentment in the air. Suddenly, I felt a searing pain in one of my legs. My kitten had landed on it, her teeth had landed IN it. Prising her off would hurt more, letting her be was almost unthinkable. Before I grudgingly turned to the former option, her claws decided that they shouldn't be left out of the game. Two ugly swollen red marks on my thigh. Before the damp, bright red spot my elbow (yes, my kitten's doings) could dry up into just a bright red spot. Before the faint red zigzag spanning over the whole of my little finger (also my kitten's doings) could fade away. Before....well you get the point.

First, I cursed myself for wearing shorts. Then I picked her up, shook her till her bones rattled and said "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING???" Her eyes didn't register ANY change of expression. I threw her onto the bed. She flew through the air. After a graceful landing, she got up, wiggled her butt, leapt off the bed and prepared for another attack on me. Yes, I'm stretched to breaking point.

One of the reasons why this kitten exists, is me. A few months ago, I heard her (then almost new-born) mewing pitifully throughout the entire night. Next morning, I went to my garden to investigate, and discovered her sitting in a corner of a little verandah. The verandah was cluttered with plastic sacks, wood filings and weirdly-shaped rusty metal thingies. And she sat amidst it all, looking dreadfully little, dreadfully frail, and dreadfully alone. So I brought her inside the house. When my dad raised his eyebrows, I cried and told him that I couldn't go to sleep hearing her wail every night at our doorstep. Case rested.

And now, that once-malnutritioned, undersized bag of fur and bones is a fat, bouncy creature with sparkling eyes and thick white fur, who 'purrs' like a carburetor warming up when she's given a piece of meat, who plays the bongo on the head of our great hulk of a hulo beral, and who dissipates excess energy by launching herself on my moisturised skin. And I love her to bits.

P.S-Something frightening's happened!!! After this post, I find myself saying fuck a hell of a lot :O

14 beep/s:

VelocityGirl (tm) said...

aah, too much funny.
i vant your cat.
i also think (like i already told u), this article is too much funny, too little point. i love it. :D

adt said...

cat's are absolutely ungrateful creatures...apparently, they don't give a *fuck* about their masters, they're just loyal to the house.

i guess i'm just a dog person. Not that my dog hasn't attacked me. Infact, his attacks are more effective. he's a real pro.

and i maintain, the %age of the physics syllabus i knew was most certainly less than the %age of the history syllabus you knew, but i said 'fuck' a lot more too. i like the word - it means so many things, that it's almost ceased to mean anything.that makes sense, right?

Death On Two Legs said...

it makes sense. and a lot of cats are selfish, shallow, opportunistic brats but I'm telling you mine aren't.

Flower Power Boi said...

I love kitties and generally, kitties hate me, but I still love kitties...


You changed your blog layout, it looks funky!

I don't think I read any other post since the one about Chinese secretary with the really cool name and the one about the gayness of Dumbledore...

Yay, kitty cats!

And my doggie, is a fat bastard who keeps on biting me whenever it can. I love it too!

I am sounding so weird here, I"m freaking myself out...

29A said...

Well, it depends on the disposition and the situation really.

I use it in times of great distress/anger/levity.

VelocityGirl (tm) said...


Doubletake, Doublethink. said...

i want cat (kitten?) :(

loved the post, toofunny.

Safdar -- veil-unmasked. said...

fuck. oh. somehow,i feel this should be the first post on every 3rd girl's blog.

Death On Two Legs said...

why so, safdar? :)

Safdar -- veil-unmasked. said...

that's exactly why i used SOMEhow. i have no idea why.

Coffee Beans said...

I like this post.
I generally dont like descriptions of what your strange pets do.
But I like this post.
I generally can't swear too easily myself. The only time i did, loud enough, was when I saw The question from "Javni" instead of "Avu Observatory" in the English Paper. And I know you did too. ;)
But I like this post.
PS- This is Subholina. Needless to say, ofcourse.

Death On Two Legs said...

Subholina...don't talk about Javni. *shudders*

and welcome!

Death On Two Legs said...

I meant 'welcome to the world of blogging', not 'you're welcome', cos of didn't thank me.

I needn't have said that.

I don't care.


j.dark said...

"Then I picked her up, shook her till her bones rattled and said."
The poor thing.