You stroll nonchalantly into the kitchen, humming a happy tune, hoping to get a peek at what’s in store for dinner. Suddenly, you detect a presence- something vile… something base… something that fills you with such overpowering fear, that it drives even the thought of food from your mind. A lizard. A great big, lizard-shaped, lizard-coloured, liazardly lizard. You clap at it frantically, hoping it will disappear. But it looks at you with hauteur, as though your clapping is an inferior’s applause for a genius.
THIS is what has been happening to me throughout the past 2 weeks. You’re probably laughing at the word hauteur. Well, even I didn’t think a pair of little black dots could carry half an expression together, but the insolence of its stare has left a stinging wound on my ego. Not just the eyes, but everything about it- the angle at which its head is cocked, the deliberate lazy flick of its tail- EVERY GODDAMN THING about it seems to ask me- “Whatchu gonna do, bitch?”
And unfortunately, I have only one answer. RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!
Jim Morrison liked lizards. And because such an incredibly hot man cannot have bad taste, I have tried to make a list of positive things about them.
So far, I have come up with these points.
a) Jim liked them. Which doesn’t explain why he liked them.
b) They don’t bite
c) They do not have great physical strength
d) They do not chase people.
Points (b), (c) and (d) are not truly positive traits. They merely show the absence of 3 negative traits, which is nothing compared to the number of repulsive things about them.
Also, point (d) is misleading. They may not run after people, but they have this rather annoying habit of falling accidentally-on-purpose when you are right under them. Don’t give me any bullshit about them losing their balance; they were designed to walk on walls. They know EXACTLY what they’re doing.
Therefore, lizards must not be looked at indulgently. And I must take revenge on the occupant of my kitchen. No more of trembling knees and sweaty palms during my gastronomic quests. No more futile clapping and running away. Tomorrow, I will surprise the blasted reptile with a change of plan. I will wave a plate at it.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Posted by Anushka at 2:32 AM