Thursday, August 14, 2008

Celebration of the Lizard King....NOT!

Picture this-
You stroll nonchalantly into the kitchen, humming a happy tune, hoping to get a peek at what’s in store for dinner. Suddenly, you detect a presence- something vile… something base… something that fills you with such overpowering fear, that it drives even the thought of food from your mind. A lizard. A great big, lizard-shaped, lizard-coloured, liazardly lizard. You clap at it frantically, hoping it will disappear. But it looks at you with hauteur, as though your clapping is an inferior’s applause for a genius.

THIS is what has been happening to me throughout the past 2 weeks. You’re probably laughing at the word hauteur. Well, even I didn’t think a pair of little black dots could carry half an expression together, but the insolence of its stare has left a stinging wound on my ego. Not just the eyes, but everything about it- the angle at which its head is cocked, the deliberate lazy flick of its tail- EVERY GODDAMN THING about it seems to ask me- “Whatchu gonna do, bitch?”

And unfortunately, I have only one answer. RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!

Jim Morrison liked lizards. And because such an incredibly hot man cannot have bad taste, I have tried to make a list of positive things about them.

So far, I have come up with these points.

a) Jim liked them. Which doesn’t explain why he liked them.
b) They don’t bite
c) They do not have great physical strength
d) They do not chase people.

Points (b), (c) and (d) are not truly positive traits. They merely show the absence of 3 negative traits, which is nothing compared to the number of repulsive things about them.
Also, point (d) is misleading. They may not run after people, but they have this rather annoying habit of falling accidentally-on-purpose when you are right under them. Don’t give me any bullshit about them losing their balance; they were designed to walk on walls. They know EXACTLY what they’re doing.

Therefore, lizards must not be looked at indulgently. And I must take revenge on the occupant of my kitchen. No more of trembling knees and sweaty palms during my gastronomic quests. No more futile clapping and running away. Tomorrow, I will surprise the blasted reptile with a change of plan. I will wave a plate at it.

11 beep/s:

Prince of Mirkwood said...

the answer is a cricket bat...specialised tool for extermination!
cricket bats for lizards
tennis racquets for bats
hockey stick for frogs
shoes for cockroaches
cats for mice
rocks for cats!
...for more details contact me( or you can just drop by my blog)

Doubletake, Doublethink. said...

but i like lizards! used to have a pet one, too.

try chasing it, for once. lizards are really very chicken.

cry freedom said...

my mom is shit scared of lizards. and i've had the most fun times scaring her with them.
i understand. :P

Death On Two Legs said...

@priyanka- This one is not. Trust me, it's not.

VelocityGirl (tm) said...

You're pretty mean to them.
Do the debate-dance at them. Those frenetic hand-movements will scare them off.
those hand movements scare a lot of people.


it's true.

Death On Two Legs said...

Sahana, you've practically made a religion out of saying the the most incriminating things.

kd said...

anushka,really? debate dance?
nice post.:)

VelocityGirl (tm) said...

oh, the debate dance.
kd, you have become illiterate in my eyes because of your exams. we shall have to catch up now.

bornconfused said...

wat do u hav 2 say abt it?????
i dnt rlly lyk d idea of blogging but thot tat id give it a try
btw loved ur post
but im dead scared of lizards!!!!!!!
aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

azuria said...

They know EXACTLY what they’re doing. <--- ROFL...u got that rt!!!

i hate it when they visit me with their batty friends during exams ... o_O

though i've discovered that just wishing them away really works :|

;)
hope u have a great day w/ ur lizard ^_^

oyasumi nasai

Clezevra said...

i don't know about anything else- but it's simply hilarious!