Thursday, April 30, 2009

Dear UU

We make fun of spinsters all the time. We portray them as wrinkled, crabby, sexually-frustrated....

They often are, so I'm not asking you to spare them. My question is, why must unmarried men be spared? I say 'unmarried men', and not 'bachelors'. Men seem to throw about the bachelor-tag like it's some kind of social award. 
I'm a bachelor. I am so cool- freewheeling, snazzy, unrestrained by the sordid bonds of marriage while you lesser mortals stew in used diapers.
That's the aura they emit.

Well, let me tell you, unmarried men are can be positively vile as well. As students, we were all advised to avoid creating stereotypes in our writings. But in life, it's fascinating how many stereotypes actually exist. One is the breed of unmarried uncles.

They talk in loud voices and hearty tones all the time. 
They tell you of THE most embarassing thing you, or your godliest cousin did as a kid. 
When they get drunk (and they seem to have rather low resistance), they aren't amusing but downright grotesque. 
They have a Facebook account from which they INSIST on adding all the kids they know. 
AND. The clincher. They WILL ask their neices either of the 2-
a) So.. got a boyfriend yet?
b) So... how many boyfriends have you gathered by now?
When these questions are asked in Bengali or Hindi, it is a thousand times worse. Don't ask me why. Probably for the same reason that Vernacular gaalis are more satisfying.

Dear Unmarried Uncle, or UU, let me answer your question for the first time.
IF I HAD A FREAKING BOYFRIEND, I WOULD NOT WISH TO DISCUSS HIM WITH YOU.
IF YOU HAVE A FREAKING GIRLFRIEND, DO NOT BRING HER ANYWHERE NEAR ME.

10 beep/s:

The Orange Cat said...

Ever had the inquistively-married-aunty treatment?
She'll not only ask you how many boyfriends/girlfriends you've got, she'll also inquire about your sexual prowess, spending habits and a painful nudge in the rib cage later, there will be this question:
'So when is the baby coming along?'

blinknmiss said...

I know. It's the heat getting inside our noodles. There there. Somebody needs a hug =) I will also wish a kalboishakhi for you, if it might help.

Prince of Mirkwood said...

The best way to counter such questions is to become over friendly. Just put an arm round his shoulder and discuss how someday he'll grow up and will become the centre of attraction for unmarried aunties the world over..Or u can just tell him ur gay and committed and put an end to his queries..

SPIRITed! said...

I do not have any such uncle. All my uncles are unhappily married to Inquisitive Aunties.

Death On Two Legs said...

@Orange Cat- Hahaha. No, I haven't actually! Am I lucky?

@shalmi- Yes, please :( I need a storm badly.

@noor- Ooh. Would love to try that.

@shreya- wow, I'm scared that someday an IA I never knew about will pop up and start interrogating me.

D'Evil Sam said...

When these UUs start to drink the whole lot, put a Prozac in their peg. After 20mins start asking the possibly most demeaning questions you can find.

Alcohol+Prozac= semi psychoactive truth serum.
They CANT lie.
Have fun doing it.
:)

Death On Two Legs said...

Seriously? You talk as one experienced.
*is curious*

D'Evil Sam said...

It is only fun when you are not the one drinking that witch potion.
I haven't tried it on myself but my little brother was just as good a lab rat.
He looked happy :)

sayantan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
buckingfastard said...

bechare National UU Federation....got badly slammd...

never mind...hope dey join politics...dats one place where unmarried ppl do really well

look at our Mamata di