Saturday, July 25, 2009

List.

1. 'An American Prayer' by the Doors has to be the most deliciously blasphemous prayer ever. Oh, to have a voice like a narcotic. But then, oh to LISTEN to a voice like a narcotic! I don't mind being the audience really. We get treats.

2. I sometimes wish I'd gone to Delhi. At least then, I'd have no one to blame but myself. Yes, I'd rather fuck things up myself than have to live by rules that are jarring to my very core. When I know I'm dependent on people who crumple up my life and stuff it into one measely little box, I just want to SCREAM out loud, tear through the suffocation. What hurts me more is that I'm forced to accept certain things about people I've lived my whole life respecting, actually admiring. I find in them traits that are downright FILTHY. But deep-rooted, and stubborn as hell. Like cancer. Ah well. Everyone has feet of clay. If only we weren't taught to blindly idolise, though.

3. When I am 20, I will get a tattoo. Celebrating 20 years of association with a BAAST fraand . We'll both get a tattoo. But where oh where? It has to be discreetly positioned, and it'll hurt less if it's not on bone or vein. Calculations must follow.

4. Shuorever bachha vs. child of a pig. You tell me. This is when the significance of Vernacular hits me right between the eyes.

5. Sometimes, people make me question my own worth. They attach tags to me that I never DREAMT of in context to myself. Or else they think I'm the very prototype I despise or sruggle against becoming. It makes life hard for me.

You see, I've always been a little image conscious. Can't quite explain why. For a long time, I've harboured a positive abhorrence for making myself look ridiculous and unattractive in public. And I find it very tough to accept not being liked. I think it's partly because I generally am liked, and I've got used to it. Also, getting along with people makes life so much more... I can't use a better word than 'fun.' I just don't relate to those who are so HUNG-UP about finding everything distasteful and lowly, and provoking others to be at their worst.

But then I know that my craving for a dream social life (which mind you, doesn't involve glitz and celeb status) isn't necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes, I've made an extra effort to compromise, or to do away with someone's preconceived notion of me. And it's led to the establishment of friendships- or at least moments- so pure, so absolutely fulfilling.

I know this for a fact, that I can feel intensely. About anything. Weather, a book, dessert, a smile, these can make me go wild with elation, and keep me in a gigantic effervescent bubble for a whole day. And when a connection with a person gives me that same heady feeling, I just KNOW that there's more to the world than the don't-carers see. MY brand of Happiness. No matter how strained or cringing the efforts for it are. A spark of pure, unadulterated happiness can make me rise beyond everything that I find murky and mundane. It's a feeling like nothing else. And that'll carry me through.

I'm starting to think that this 'list' was just an excuse for point number 2 and 5. Clever, how I didn't follow up one with the other. An intermission in passion. In which you can give me sympathetic looks, or just stare at your toes and hum a cheap tune. Considerate me.

6 beep/s:

Prince of Mirkwood said...

Very emo post. See what I did there? I ever so subtly casted you as a prototype that I assume you despise:P

randomblahness said...

I'll tell you why this post is scary if and when I see you.

The Orange Cat said...

1.Tonight's The Night has to be the most deliciously disaffected bar song ever
2.Me too. All of us hate rules we can't understand. Like why the hell I can't slap the seven-year old tormentor who keeps dropping ice-cream on my shoes at South City, and at whom, incidentally, my parents keep throwing darling smiles (I can hardly imagine their reaction if it had been me doing the deed some years back)
3.Er, tattoo...all right, okay. Try getting the fire-breathing, romp-loving, cigar-smoking mermaid one. I've heard they usually turn men of a particular bent of a mind on (don't blame me if you get calls from Bates lookalikes)
4. Neither. I'll choose S.O.B. or plain numbskull anyday.
5. Try being Thurber. Or wait- maybe you resemble him already. :) Seriously though, those were beautiful lines which you wrote. A gigantic effervescent bubble- wow.

Mer-curial-maiden said...

"Jesus Christ, have I actually, POSSIBLY met my mind double?"

-- :)

And anyone who doesn't feel passionately about his or her dessert has been living out of the sun for too long.

Also, please number number 6. Because I echo each syllable in it.

Death On Two Legs said...

@PoM- You ASSUMED I despise the cult of emo. That's another example of typecasting right there :D

@Spriha- Ok. Arr ki bolbo? :P

@The OC- (hah, I've shortened your name to that of a blonde T.V show.)

Thurber! Ooh.

@McM- Actually, 6 was a typo. It's all point 5. I've corrected it now. But yes, we do seem to think alike, don't we?
=]

JD said...

Curious.